


Late Night Thoughts

by RammoRam210



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gay Male Character, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kindaichi-Centric, kindaichi yuutarou-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:13:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28925601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RammoRam210/pseuds/RammoRam210
Summary: Asking Kunimi for more communication within their friendship? Easy. Experimenting with new hairstyles? He could always ask Oikawa for advice. Accepting that he needs to move on? Well.. he's working on it. It won't happen overnight.But, in short, those can all be fixed. They all have solutions that can be found with a bit of effort.
Kudos: 3





	Late Night Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This is just self projection so uh- yeah-. Hope it's enjoyable??

Kindaichi sighs, rolling onto his back and pulling his blanket higher up his chest. There are so many thoughts going through his mind. They're almost giving him a headache at this point. 

He just wants his mind to stop bothering him. To stop being so overactive when he's trying to sleep. Especially when his mind isn't even wandering to the past, but making him realize things that he wouldn't even want to imagine. Things that he wants to deny at all costs. 

Like how his friendship with Kunimi might not be as healthy as he'd thought it was. And how his current hairstyle might not be the right one for him. Sometimes even that Kageyama had started changing for the better. But those were all relatively simple fixes. 

Asking Kunimi for more communication within their friendship? Easy. Experimenting with new hairstyles? He could always ask Oikawa for advice. Accepting that he needs to move on? Well.. he's working on it. It won't happen overnight. 

But, in short, those can all be fixed. They all have solutions that can be found with a bit of effort. 

There's one specific thing that doesn't seem to have an easy fix, though. The one thing that bothers him more than anything else. 

_His sexuality_. 

He's tried to fix it, multiple times. Telling himself that it's a phase. That he just needs to put more effort into fixing it. That one day he'll be married to a wonderful _woman_ , laughing with her at how ridiculous he was to think otherwise. 

Sometimes, he even prays to whatever gods that may be out there, asking to just make him normal. Not even that works. Which can only mean one thing: there's nothing he can do to fix it. And he can't just ignore it either. 

He can't ignore the way his heart races when an attractive guy smiles at him. He can't ignore the butterflies he gets when one of his teammates throws an arm around him. And he most definitely can't ignore the fact that he has to hyper focus on a girl's eyes or hair to be "attracted" to her. 

No, scratch that. 

He can't ignore the fact that he _isn't_ attracted to girls. Not in the way his parents expect him to be. 

Silent tears roll slowly down the sides of his face. His lip quivers involuntarily and a soft, choked sound escapes his throat. There's a tight feeling in his chest and an ache in his stomach. He doesn't know who to turn to or what to do. 

"Why can't I just be _normal_?" He whispers to no one in particular, wiping tears away with his sleeve. _"I don't wanna be this way."_

Kindaichi feels defeated and lost, and so, _so_ disgusting. And there's nothing he can do to change it. He doesn't want to accept it, or even acknowledge it. 

But what else is he supposed to do..?

Through his tears, he laughs bitterly. He can already hear his mother sobbing, saying that she doesn't even recognize him as her son anymore. He can hear his father screaming at him from across the room, that he's selfish for upsetting his mother so deeply. And he can feel his brother's sympathetic stare from behind him, not knowing who to side with or what to say.

 _It's a terrifying thought._

He doesn't know how much time passed, but the tears eventually stopped coming. It's obvious that it's been at least a few minutes since the once wet stains on his face are now dried, sticking to his skin. 

The urge to cry itself is gone, but the tightness in his chest isn't. He doesn't know how to get rid of the ache. He's not even sure if it's possible to. 

But he doesn't dwell on it for too long,far too exhausted from both thinking too much and crying. Besides, he still has tomorrow night to overthink, and the next one as well. The fact that he's planning to overthink more makes him laugh with mild amusement. 

He rolls onto his side and pulls the covers over his head, leaving only his face sticking out. His body feels comfortable despite the pain in his stomach and all around gross thoughts about himself. But it's enough. 

He doesn't notice when he falls asleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading~!


End file.
